Friday, November 20, 2009


Twilight is wrong. I am not just drinking the hatorade. I'll try to make valid points. I feel bad for girls that read this rubbish and now want to see these shitty movies. Not only is Twilight a poorly written novel, but it sends girls the wrong message in more than one way. I am going to make you Twihards a little list of 6 things I see wrong with Twilight:

1. Lack of Strong female characters- Seriously guys we are in the 21st goddamn century, so why does everytime Bella have to be in some jam Edward has to get his pale ass up to save her? Is this main character whom we are suppose to feel some emotional connection to just some Damsel in Distress. Come on girls grow up. Take a note out of Ripley from the Alien franchise or hell. even Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

2. This whole "Edward" idea- Hey Stephenie Meyer! Thanks for totally shafting average guys like the gang at Bro Patrol. Are you really going to put this idea of the Knight in vampire armor to every impressionable tween?  Way to make the idea of marrying Joe Six Pack so unbearable. This whole idea will just leave girls disappointed after sex and guys crying in the bathroom wondering what they did wrong.  (Yeah, if the guy is a giant pussy -Jimmy)

3. The rape of Vampires- How are people suppose to take vampires seriously anymore? Vampires used to be bad ass. Now they just suck ass. All they do is sit around and mope about being undead. Stephenie Meyer's vampires can walk in the sunlight, don't have fangs, don't turn into bats, and can eat a garlic pizza like a teenage goddamn Ninja Turtle. HOLY SHIT she wrote about goth kids! Anne Rice didn't help the cause with Interview With a Vampire, but Twilight just put the nail in the so-called coffin (see what i did there).  Vampires need to get a new publicist.

I am tired so Look for Part 2 tomorrow.


I'm still looking for Part 2.

Twilight is awful. I took the time to sit down and watch this SHIT. Why? What kind of Bro would watch such an insult to men? To attack it with the knowledge of each of its flaws. Twilight is as if The Days of Our Lives had a child with the Adams Family. The acting in this movie is so bad. I've seen better acting on YouTube. YOUTUBE! The performances are so forced. The actors are obviously in this for the pay check. But its not like we can expect much more, the source material is no better. and Edward? Every time this asshole appears on screen it looks like a fucking' Levi jeans commercial, or some shit.  He walks in slow motion, multiple times, there is no need for that!  When he's not in slow motion, he's showing of his ridiculous Blue Steele*impression for all his MCU's** or closer. There is absolutely no redeeming quality to this movie, nothing I found entertaining or even respectable. The cinematography is mediocre as well, theres nothing wrong with it, but it is far from impressive.

Looking for part two, Sam

**-MCU=Midium Close Up (Film making term)
This is the typical progression of a conversation between myself(Shaun) and Jimmy

1:03amJimmy: fuck me

1:03amJimmy: i have over 9000 sections left to study

1:03amJimmy: thanks facebook and 4chan

1:07amShaun: shit bro

1:07amJimmy: yeah

1:07amShaun: fuckin tuck in those sections bro

1:07amJimmy: im tyrin

1:07amShaun: blast em in the ass bro

1:07amShaun: stroke them into oblivion

1:08amJimmy:blast them with piss

1:08amShaun: spray em wit yo spermination

1:08amShaun: across the nation

1:08amJimmy: uo;b

1:08amShaun: without temptation

1:08amJimmy: yea

1:09amShaun: thats what i call...insemination



1:12amJimmy: fart on face like cunt punt that is fruit flabored

1:13amShaun:lay to waste, your paste, for her to taste , across her waist

1:15amJimmy:baste her taste until my waist cant lay waste to her space

1:15amShaun: ditch this bitch to enrich your sitch

Thursday, November 19, 2009

FREEWRITE 11/19/09

Man, what if dinosaurs were still roaming the earth! Like never died from the asteroids or God or what ever killed them to begin with. Lets just assume that the existence didn't slow down human progress too much. Just imagine George Washington riding into battle on a Stegosaurus or some shit. Gladiators would battle raptors and shit. How would this effect OUR lives though.... fuckin' there'd be dinosaurs in the wild. Like going into the forest. OH SHIT! BRONTOSAURUS! These fuckers would be everywhere. People would keep the smaller dinosaurs for pets, but theres always an asshole who's like, "gimme a fuckin' baby Trex". But in like a year its gonna be the size of a sixth grader. By this time Joe McNumbnuttz realizes maybe a vicious carnivore is a bad choice in a 2 bedroom apartment with a 3 year old child. Joe's fantastic ass solution to the Trex problem is this, leave the son of a bitch at the 3 acre wooded area. By the time Joe Junior is old enough to get to the park by his own ass Trex will be more than big enough to eat that bastard child. So you've got a Trex running around a park eating family dogs and children. I think for the most part things would be pretty normal, besides the occasional roaming Trex here or there. By now most dinosaurs would be in  captivity or away from human life. But what if you're on the highway on a stretch of road in the middle of no where? FUCKING DINOSAURS off the side of the road! What if you hit one? Fuck yo shit up.

Dinosaurs don't fuck with me


Motherfucking sea monkeys.


Totally tap that sea monkey shebitch's ass


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

FREEWRITE 11/18/09

There's been a week since a REAL post. So I felt like I should throw down something on here.

I started taking vitamins about a week ago. And I feel fucking fantastic! Vitamins are like caffeine* that is ever-lasting. With caffeine, you'll burn out. Vitamins make you feel like a new man. Everyday when you get out of bed it feels like youre crawling out of a vagina, because everyday it feels like you're being born again. The best part about vitamins is they're delicious! I have to make myself eat only one at a time. It's like eating only one Pringle. I deserve an award for my self control. My fav is the vitamin C. It's like orange juice in form of a chewable pill. In-fucking-credible. Candy doesnt taste this good. The shit that changes a motherfucker is the B-12 though. I'm convinced that it is a major ingredient in the super solider serum. This is the shit that they put in energy drinks. THIS IS THE SHIT that makes you a fucking machine (both contexts). The vitamin form has all the PA-ZOW without the crash and burn at the end. Each pill is 500 mcg and will throw your mind, body and soul into hyperdrive. You'll lift cars, leap buildings, shit bricks, build houses to leap with these bricks, out run Kenya's finest, travel through time, and learn the Jedi mind trick.

5-hour-energy label.
Shit'll give you superpowers


*-See Previous entry "Caffeine and Success"

Sunday, November 15, 2009



Thursday, November 12, 2009

Shout out!

Happy Birthday Jimmy!!!!


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Teen Pregnancy

Today I got a chance to sit down with some male friends and embrace "guy time". What do we do? Flip on The Tyra Banks show of course! Usually, from what little of the show I've seen in the past, the show deals more with cosmetic issues. I'd heard she'd done more hard hitting shit, but this was the first I've seen of it. Today's topic on the show was Teen Pregnancy. NOW! I've been a teenage... hell, I AM a teenager for a few more months. Now, I know mistakes happen, I get that. I'm not going to judge you (a lot) for that. SHOULD they have armoured up. FUCK yes. There is no getting around that point. But there was that ONE time that Billy leaves his wallet in the car and you're drunk and you want the dick now and your best friend already got laid tonight and you parents want you home by midnight and its already 11:36 and you're really really horny. Life happens, I won't deny that. But you've got to live with the life you've brought yourself too. Now after all of that.... This post isn't about these bitches.

On the show, it featured these other bitches. EVEN DUMBER bitches. Not irresponsible or negligent bitches, but just straight up stupid ass mother fuckers. Get this... First girl, actually thought that if she got pregnant by her ex-boyfriend, that he'd just all of the sudden want to get back with her. This is stupidity in its purest form. The next girl up should at least be nominated for some sort of looking like an ass award. Remember two seconds ago, when I claimed that the previous girl was the purest form of stupidity? Well push that bitch aside, because she's got competition. This next bitch, who is FOURTEEN, just plain wants to get prego. Why? I asked the same question. "Where's the fuckin' benefit in that, bitch?" I promise I said something, probably not a direct quote, but I'll paraphrase my own ass. All she had to say was that she's around babies all the time and knows how to do diapers and shit. That's good I guess, If your baby comes included with food and water and diapers and clothes and toys and whatever else you'd need to raise a baby human being. Tyra was getting pissed! She rode this little girl's ass like crazy. I was getting nervous for the little girl, until I remembered how fucking much she needed some sense scared into her. Tyra was all like, "BITCH! Do you even know how much that shit costs a year!" I got excited! I knew this little middle schooler was about to get the ASS stamp. And she did! Next, they bring the mom out, hilarity obviously ensues. I had to leave during the next commercial, so I didn't get to see the bitch who got pregnant to be more like fucking Brittany Spear's dumbass little pregant sister. I probably would've shit bricks in anger.

I'm just saying...

Fads are fucking stupid.
Teen pregnancy sucks dick for everyone involved.
Teens getting pregnant because it's "cool" is the fucking purest form of stupid I think I've ever heard of. Ladies, please punch any girl in the goddamn throat who mentions doing this.


PS. Sorry All of my posts have been angry, everything that inspires me to write is stuff that's pissed me off reccently. I'll really try and get something light hearted up soon : D

-You have to give Tyra some credit for bringing on a woman that had two functioning vaginas on earlier.

-"She rode this little girl's ass like crazy." Enough said.

-"Brittany Spear's dumbass little pregant sister" is Jamie Lynn Spears.


totally forgot about jamie lynn.


Monday, November 9, 2009

Terminator 2 will put hair on your balls.

People often come to me with their personal problems. Most of the time I just tell people to "blow me" or "fuck off." But once in a full moon I listen. One such occasion someone asked me "Sam you are a man's man. I am weak and suffer from impotence. How did you become so masculine?" Do you know what I did when he asked this question? I laughed in his Goddamn face. I whipped out my dvd copy of Terminator 2: Judgement Day and told him to pop this shit in. But I warned him. It will make your DVD player explode in pure awesomeness***. NASA's top scientists have proven that even if you start watching T2 with a Bald Eagle down in your crotch region by the time JAMES CAMERON's name pops up in the end credits you're going to have a fucking fullblown rain forest down there. A week later this young man came back to return my copy of Terminator 2: Judgement Day and thanked me. This young man's name was Jonah Falcon. Google it.

Until next time

***I have multiple DVD players.
I always giggle when I see this


It is a well known fact that Ewoks run on vodka. Yet the Today show anchors deny them their sustenance. The Ewoks help the Rebels win the Battle of Endor, and all they get is a measly guest appearance on Earth where they are ridiculed and starved. Give them their due rights!


Caffeine and Success

Hell yeah, Motherfucker

Fuck money, caffeine is what runs this world. Liquid gold, this shit turns regular motherfuckers into GODLY motherfuckers. You do everything HARDER and FASTER. HARDER and FASTER. Caffeine sharpens your senses so you can cut bitches in half just by hearing them.

There are naysayers who say "don't take too much caffeine, you'll get sick and die!":

The symptoms of caffeine intoxication are not unlike overdoses of other stimulants. It may include restlessness, nervousness, excitement, insomnia, flushing of the face, increased urination, gastrointestinal disturbance, muscle twitching, a rambling flow of thought and speech, irritability, irregular or rapid heart beat, and psychomotor agitation.

-Yeah, if you're a pussy.

In cases of much larger overdoses, mania, depression, lapses in judgment, disorientation, disinhibition, delusions, hallucinations, and psychosis may occur, and rhabdomyolysis (breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue) can be provoked.

-In essence, time slows the fuck down for you, so you can shit on the fabric of time and space.

You can complete tasks in half the time!

"But why would I want to do that?"

Because fuck you, that's why.


Sunday, November 8, 2009

Hot for Teacher

Sometimes, when I see these teachers having sex with their students, I wonder "Why can't they just have sex with people their own age?" Some of them are quite attractive. Is there something the rest of us are missing? I guess kids are more trusting and easily manipulated. The kids are right there too. I guess it's a lot easier than going out of your way to a bar and actually spending money. Maybe those teachers have it right. We are in a recession anyways, so you can't really blame them. We can take a page out of their book (haha books because they're teachers!) We should be applauding such ingenuity.

I'll just leave you with my favorite teacher, Helen Goddard. A music teacher at a prestigious school for girls, Goddard developed a five-month relationship with one of her trumpet students, which encompassed a trip to Paris, a Gay Pride march, fuzzy handcuffs, and vibrators.

Helen Goddard
I'd let her play my trumpet

Friday, November 6, 2009


Hey guys it's Sam from BroPatrol and I am talking about hipsters. If you are one of the fortunate souls who have never come across a hipster just google it and you'll know what I am talking about.

So lately I have been thinking a lot about hipsters. Mainly how much I hate them. I have always had a deep seated hatred for hipster set, but this just reignited the flame. Have you guys seen that Miracle Whip commercial? Well if you haven't you won't believe this shit :


I hope these zany Bill Cosby sweater wearing "we carry pictures of cats in our wallets" douche bags choke on their goddamn sandwiches. CHOKE.

Also it's not cool to like crappy cartoons you watched when you were younger. No one gives a flying fuck about your cool Dark Wing Duck t-shirt with the sleeve slightly torn that you got when you were 9 and it got caught on a fence. While we're on the subject of "Hipster Fashion", why do hipsters have to wear bright fucking colors giving me headaches and the fucking girl jeans on the guys and shit? Also, listening to indie bands and liking 500 days of summer doesn't make you unique or ironic. Jesus Christ.

I hate people that try so hard to be original that they have to make asses out of themselves. You're not original. Get a job. Shave your fucking grizzly Adams beard. Get some new friends (unless they are hot, keep those friends). Have a nice life.


Alright, I gotta get my opinion thrown in here too...
I also, am not a fan of hipsters. I honestly predict that these creepy fucks are going to cause the end of humanity. Lets say Aliens land their ships on US soil, in hopes of sharing their technology, which would send human kind into an age of prosperity we couldn't imagine. BUT the first thing they happen to see is Henry McHipster with his jeans that he bought from young women's section at Kohl's and his prized shirt he bought at some asian family's yard sale. They first see him and his haggard ass girlfriend (haggard even for this doucher), looking like she just got shit out of the 1980's club scene. The Aliens take one look at the duo and obviously assume that this is what inhabits earth, turns back and harvests our planet for all of its resources, allowing all of us to die. Do I blame the Aliens? of course not. I wouldn't want to allow those hipster ass bastards to live, none the less show them technology generations beyond them. If anything, these fucks are a step backwards in the evolutionary chain. If Jesus came back down from heaven, he'd take one look at this hipster asshole, who looks like his wardrobe consists of clothes he found in the attic. He'd let out a deep sigh, and just get his ass back up there. The apocalypse would be minutes away.

Now! I don't hate all hipsters,that would be unreasonable. But, as a collective, I hate what they represent. Alot of these posts, that are going to be about things I hate will be about today's society, not because it's what's relevent, but because I just plainly and simply hate today's society. I especially hate a lot of what my generation produces and stands for, not to say I'm not guilty of being a part of any of that shit, but I do believe I've made a major step by realizing our flaw.

Basicly, to sum shit up.... the whole "point" of this hipster fad is to be "unique". Well, it's not unique if you and all of your mindless friends act, talk and dress the same way. In fact, it's pretty damn close to being the text book definition of conformity. Just because it isn't (or wasn't, because this fad is getting pretty large) mainstream, doesn't make it different or special. In my opinion, these douches are worse than all the prep and jock douches of the world, at least they're not fucking hypocrites. They're whole existance isn't a lie. That's honestly my whole problem with these people. Just goddamn admit you're like everyone else, and that you feel the need to latch into some worthless group, that you'll feel stupid about being a part of in five years. I just hate hearing people bitch about how much they hate people who conform, when they're doing it themselves! If you want to dress like a weird mother fucker, that's fine! Will I judge you? Probably a little bit, depending on how ridiculous you look. Which is good for you, no? I sincerely doubt you don't LOVE the attention. There's no way some of these people look in the mirror and are like, "this is TOTALLY normal." *sigh* fuck.
I don't feel like going deeper into this attention whore subplot. But, all hipsters are least a little bit of an attention whore, I mean, the bright ass colors.. and sheer ridiculousness of most of their clothing choices. There is NO WAY that there isn't some premeditated, "I WANT people to see and judge me, FUCK SOCIETY'S EXPECTATIONS."

I'm tired.

I'm just saying ...

These hipsters conform just as much as ANYONE ELSE. If not more. Also, their whole ideal or belief is to be an "individual". This is goal is impossible for them to reach, being that they become just like all the other hipsters.
Also, they just suck in general for being so obnoxious and hypocritical.
And if they love attention, hence the bright colors and other random shit that makes them stick the hell out.

- Shaun -

Lady Angry about Radio

People need to chill the hell out. Jimmy just sent me a link which first of all made me laugh, but secondly reminded me of one of the many, many, many things I hate about humanity. The link should be in here.... somewhere.

To sum the video up -- some older woman is pissed off about a joke said on the radio.

Well, here's my two cents in the matter. This woman needs to shut up and leave this radio dude alone. If she doesn't approve of this humor then that's fine, but why is she making such a huge fuss about it? I wish my life was so goddamn good that I got to not only worry about, but battle these poor crude humored bastards. It's totally cool that she is pissed, I understand that. I get pissed everytime I hear Lady Gaga on the radio, but I just switch the station. Do I believe she deserves to be taken off the air? ABSOLUTELY! I digress, my opinion on what is concidered music is worth a whole post or two. My only point is this.
If you've got the time and resources to protest some radio personality, then can't you instead devote yourself to a more worthy of cause? I mean this sort of thing deserves a facebook status at best. National TV? No way...

I'm just saying....

Radio Show piss you off? Tweet about it or some shit.
Got all this extra time and money to where you can go on national tv just to bitch about something that isn't going to change? Join a cause that's actually doing something good for the world.


Then again, it's Fox News. This is how they gain viewer ship. Angry pirates and donkey punching.


Thursday, November 5, 2009


Nipple Elasticity. That is all.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Hey viewers... readers(?) I just set up this blog account up so here you go... I'm not going to post anything major at the moment, but hopefully we'll have something for you guys over the next couple of days.


Hi friends this is the spot where its all gonna go down. I hope you guys enjoy what I can only assume will be a grand adventure. GO BROPATROL and we will see you soon!


Kind of proofread. Kind of.