Sunday, January 31, 2010


Wishing a Very Happy BroPatrol Birthday to Daniel! A fantastic Addition to the team here!


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

BroPatrol's World Famous Advice

Welcome to the very first BP Advice Column!
Here to answer YOUR questions today are Sam and Shaun!

Dear BroPatrol,

I've recently discovered feelings for one of my best friends. I really want to pursue a physical/romantic relationship, but don't want to risk the friendship we've already established. What should I do?

-Friends without benefits-

Sam - You're traveling a very tricky trail, Friends without benefits. Which is stronger: the friendship or feelings with this person? You've got to do a lot of soul searching, don't jump the gun, or do anything rash.

Shaun - I'll agree. Try to figure out how this other person feels. You can talk to mutual friends or his or her close friends. You can try testing your limits, be a little more hands on ( I don't mean hand jobs ). Just closer hugs, small physical connections. Try and judge their reactions, the more they do it back the better. If they back off a little, you're probably outta luck, but you just might have saved the friendship.

Sam - The way I see it is that there is two possible out comes: either the feeling is mutual and a relationship develops out of it or the friendship will end because things will just get awkward and eventually it ends. And no one likes awkward situations, especially this guy!

Dear BroPatrol

I recently walked in on my mom having sex! WITH MY TEACHER! What the fuck do I do?

-Honor Student-

Shaun - Blackmail. Make sure you milk this fucking cow for everything its got. You can definitely get an A in this class. Also, this is a great card to play at home. Mom's like, “do the dishes.” You're like, “don't fuck my teachers.” It's sure to shut her up.

Sam - Are they still fucking? Right now? Blackmail sounds alright. Teachers don't have money, but is your mom an accountant? Or married? Might wanna tell pops whats going on behind his back.

Dear BroPatrol

I think my girlfriend might be cheating on me. Every time she's out of the house I get these thoughts of her being with someone else. It makes me very angry and I cannot focus on anything else. My mind just flashes images of her with other men until I get a text from her, what should I do guys?

-Jealous Guy-

Sam - There's one of two things going on here. Either A) You're nuts, and you need help, or B) You've got a reason to to suspicious. Just think to your self, be sure and don't assume anything.

Shaun - From what I've gathered, this is completely in your head. You've got to gain some trust for your relationship or it'll never work.


Meghan - She's not suppose to leave the house now?

Dear BroPatrol

I began an online relationship a few months ago, and when it came down for time to meet, she ended up being a HE! I'm totally straight, but I'm in love! What should I do BroPatrol?

-Lost In Love-

Sam - Hey man, its the 21st century. It's totally okay for men to love men these days. But on the other hand, if they lied about their gender, then what else could they be lying about?

Shaun - I'm going to be honest, I think there is something fishy about online relationships to begin with. I couldn't tell you how many letters I get like yours; there are just too many creepy fucks out there.

Meghan - Close your eyes, pretend he's a girl. You're done.

Sam - Ask him to get a sex change

Thanks for your questions! Please continue to submit your problems, and we'll do our best to get to each of them. You can email us at or leave an anonymous comment on this post.

-Sam, Shaun, and Meghan-

Guest Post 1/27/10

Some interesting shit has happened this week, and it's only Tuesday.

Incident 1: I am sitting in my 9AM environmental science lab, grumpy from sleep deprivation. A stupid, annoying bitch sitting next to me is complaining about the "difficulty" and "uselessness" of latitude and longitude. After enduring 10 minutes of her incessant whining, I proceed to help her with her work. "I don't get how the degrees work!" she said. Trying not to get too pissed, I reply with "well latitude's easy. They're lines that go east and west, 0 to 90 degrees from the equator to the north pole, 0 to 90 degrees from the equator to the south pole." After peering at her map for a good 4,000 years (probably only 10 seconds, but fuck it seemed like forever), she replies with "well where's the equator?" At this point, I get out of my seat and sit at a different table.

Incident 2: my Spanish teacher informs us of an essay that she wants us to write. She states that this is a diagnostic essay to establish our knowledge of Spanish and that we should not ask anyone for help. "In other words, don't ask your friend at the restaurant to edit your paper", she says. Struggling to suppress an imminent giggle, I ask, "don't you mean business office?". My Spanish teacher, to my utter delight and schoolboy amusement, replies with, "What language are we learning here? C'mon, let's be serious."


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Remington Coxworthy and the Cavewoman of Dinosaur Island

****The subject matter may be offensive to pussies******

Gather 'round once again children of the night. Once again, this evening I shall share with you a famous Sexpedition of a BroPatrol worldwide legend. It's time to dive deep into a chapter of the life of one of Earth's favorite sons. The Final chapter in the Trilogy.....

Our hero awakens in a thick humid jungle. The sweat dripped off of his rock hard abs. Something else was rock hard as well. He was curious as to why he wasn't wearing clothes yet again but he didn't think about it very long because being in the nude was natural for him. Just then a fucking HUNGRY T-Rex came out of the brush. Remington was taken aback for a moment. He then smiled and leaped onto the back of the T-Rex and cornholed the shit out of him. You can imagine the T-Rex was rather confused as to how a human ass man who resembled every other man he'd ever eaten except he had a tail and it was attached to his front instead of back could over power him. Although the dinosaur was not a fine humanoid female he still got his fuck on. I mean its a dinosaur and its not very sexy but he still got his nut off. T-Rex walked off sore and very confused. he wasn't even hungry anymore. Remington wiped the sweat off his brow and decided to explore the mysterious prehistoric Island world he found himself in.

Across the island was a village full of amazon cave women. they were all lesbians because there was no men on the island. I mean they weren't against the idea of dick but there was none to be found. They faced the problem of extinction because men were a dime a dozen. Luckily they were about to run into Remington or should I say Remington was about to run into them. He strolled into their village with his chest and posture upright. He was a sight for very sore eyes. Remington while he wanted to make sweet passionate love to each and every woman and girl(why not)on the island he had to eventually....ahhh who was he kidding he was going ot stay there and tap that collective ass. He fucked and hunted prehistoric beast for three years straight. He even found a cave woman named POPO VAGINASTEIN whose vagina was the only cave woman whose vagina was deep enough for his massive man dick. She was the only woman that Remington had ever loved. The Cave Wedding and the floral arrangements were set. Just as Remington was about to say I do the Dinosaur from earlier came back and ate his love POPO. He was still pissed about getting raped earlier in the story. I bet you forgot about him. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Remington screamed. HIS COCK GOT HARD WITH RAGE. He swung it on top of the T-Rex's head and then pounded his head over and over again till it was nothing but dino soup. His penis cried for POPO and couldn't get hard which made Remington incredibly depressed. Never again would Remington find another like her. He was broken......but ,when all seemed lost,The Chief of the village told Remington about a special baptism to clean Coxworthy of his past and he wold be born anew and a fresh set of adventures ahead of him. "What must I do?" Remington asked. "Oh nothing much.....JUST TAKE A BATH IN A FUCKING LAVA PIT!!!!" Remington dragged his dick to the top of the volcano and looked down and thought of all the women he had seduced over the years. He fell into the pit.



Remington blasted out of the volcano surfing the lava with his bare feet. He reached the bottom of the village and with his newly erected cock came all over the villagers.


Monday, January 25, 2010

Guest Post 1/25/10

Wow, here's a story for Bro Patrol. On my way back from Taco Bell from Mike, we're at a stoplight. Next to us is a black chick in a car listening to rap music. It was a Lil Wayne song, and he was singing "I have a condo in Atlanta, and I have always wear a bandana." This stupid fucking song is netting him millions of do...


Sunday, January 24, 2010

Guest Post 1/24/10

In this day and age, couples love to give each other "cute" fucking names, such as "sweetie" or "baby" or god forbid, "honeybun." and I guess that's kind of acceptable. But some time ago, I was at the UNT library (a PUBLIC place, mind you) and happened to overhear this couple sweet talking to each other. It went something like "I gotta go. I'll call you tonight, giggle bear!" as soon as I heard this fucking phrase, my stomach churned and I tasted vomit in my mouth. Giggle bear? Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck life.


Monday, January 18, 2010

Still waiting.

for Sam to finish the third installment of the Remington Coxworthy Sexploits.



Doin' wonders for her core. When I grow up I want to be toxic Shiny Suds residue!

Goddamn Motherfucking Sales Genie

An Ordinary Day in 6716


Friday, January 15, 2010

Drugs are wonderful

So Monday I got my wisdom teeth taken out and now I am on drugs and my cheeks are swollen and my mouth feels like I just gave Ron Jeremy a blow job. Anyways I woke up early Tuesday and it was so painful so I went and checked out the pills the doc gave me. I had 4 different pill options:

1.Moderate pain killer
3.Extreme pain killer (only have 5 of these)
4.Muscle relaxant (for the jaw)

I have to take 1 and 2 every four hours. I have to take half of 4 in the evening time and a whole one before I go to bed. And then that leaves us with 3 and sweet Jesus is 3 good.

So thats kinda why I have been lying low for a little bit. I'm throwing my Remington Coxworthy story into the ring soon. I figure shit since jimmy and shaun did one guess I have to now...

anyway later fellow brosss.


p.s. sorry for grammar errors

It's okay, it's why I'm here. You guys never notice your posts change a little?


I thought that there was a grammar* (-Jim) fairy that came in and fixed our shit.


Monday, January 11, 2010

Sam Goes to the Dentist

Hey Ho There Bros and Broettes

Shaun here checkin' in. Just got back from taking fellow BroPatrol founder, Sam, to the dentist.
My day has totally been like the David goes to the Dentist video. Not much else on my mind to discuss. I'll try to check back very soon with something more entertaining.


Saturday, January 9, 2010


Quite frankly I have nothing to write about. Just read Jimmy's Remington Coxworthy story. Loved it. Expect to see a lot of him in the future, so I hope you enjoy his Sexploits.
I heard that my list of fake fanpages was well recieved
so I'll add more to it.

Watching a movie you own on DVD, on TV
The prize at the bottom of my Apple Jacks
Making a wish at 11:11
Free samples of food I was going to buy anyways.
Seeing people I hate ending their relationships
Hating Assholes
When the vending machine gives you double
Not losing the Claw game
Playing games you played as a child, now
Humming Lyrics you don't know
Being hungry an hour after you eat Chinese food
People being not rude.
Hating rude people.
Top 40 radion stations suck.
Non-lace shoes
Warm Showers
Hating people born after 1994
Hating people born before 1986
Peeing in someone else's bathroom
Pooping in my own bathroom
Others admiting their mistakes
The Shade
Going swimmng
Ice cream on really cold days
Creepin on facebook

Eh, that mildly got my writing gears going actually.  If it wasn't late I'd totally being on a new Remington Coxworthy story.

expect a real post shortly


Remington Coxworthy...goes to space?

Gather 'round once again children of the night. Once again, this evening I shall share with you a famous Sexpedition of a BroPatrol worldwide legend. It's time to dive deep into a chapter of the life of one of Earth's favorite sons. 

The electric hum of the space cabin rouses our hero from a deep sleep. Coxworthy sits up, only to come face to face with his rigid rocket, ready for blast off. Suddenly the cabin door opens, and a voluptuous woman slips in. Her hair fell around her shoulders like silk, black as the unforgiving vacuum of space. Her eyes were a piercing blue, and seemed to gaze into our hero's soul.

"I see that you're finally awake, Remington. My name is Veronica, and as ship physician, I'm here to give you a...check-up."

With a flick of her wrist, the doctor's suit flutters to the ground, revealing quite the spectacle. In one swift motion the doctor takes hold of Coxworthy's grand champion, and begins to stroke it slowly, gradually quickening in pace. This pleased Coxworthy, but Coxworthy required more. Taking hold of the doctor, Remington lifts her off of the ground and onto his (I'm not gonna sugarcoat it) massive cock. Hours of the sweatiest, nastiest, roughest fucking ensue.  The doctor rides Coxworthy, but this is one stallion that simply cannot be tamed. Eventually the doctor passes our from pure exhaustion, leaving Coxworthy to silently slip out of the cabin. Why doesn't he put clothes on? Because when you're ripped as hell and fuck everything, there is no time for clothes. Especially when you're Remington Coxworthy.

Blast off!


Friday, January 8, 2010

Remington Coxworthy and the Three Sisters of Moonlight

WARNING: This post is much filthier than our normal filthiness

Gather 'round children of the night, both young and old. For this evening I shall share with you a famous Sexpedtion of a BroPatrol worldwide legend. Its time to dive deep into a chapter of the life of one of Earth's favorite sons.

Remington Coxworthy and the Three Sisters of Moonlight

Our hero awakes to the sound of silence, opens his eyes and peers around to see nothing but the deep, dark forest. Our hero notices he has been stripped naked, but is unbothered by this. With no leads to go by he begins to run through the trees, golden hair flowing in the wind like the flag of a proud nation, breathing powerfully like as if a proud lion, sweat forming a layer that reflects the spot lights of sun that penetrates the lush forest ceiling, and his manhood flipping and flopping without control with each impact his strong feet makes with the moist soil. Remington was a proud Stallion galloping through the woods he felt as if he owned.

After an absurd amount of time running, Remington reaches a clearing. In this clearing there was a small lake that fed into a small creek, and a small cottage at the opposite end than the one our hero stood at.  Remington had become pretty fucking hungry, understandably since he ran about 15 hours that day.  Remington approached the home, which looked untended for, but smoke poured out of the chimney. Our hero took a deep breath and knocked on the front door, and he knocked with purpose. A brief moment passed by before the door opened, all of Earth stood still when from within the shadows of the dwelling stepped a young woman, a beautiful woman.  She was tall and curvy (Remington's type of girl). She had dark brown hair, and eyes of the bluest skies, she wore an old dress that was not buttoned all of the way. The dress was obviously too small, but when you live in a cottage in the middle of the forest, clothes become hard to come by.

Remington looks her up and down and smiles.
"May this traveler enter?" says Remington, beaming with confidence.
The young woman looks Remington up, then down. She cannot help but stare as his exposed masculinity, but blame her not, for it is an impressive sight. Remington makes no move to cover himself, nor interrupt the woman from soaking in the sight of Remington's massive champion. After a moment, she composes herself and motions for him to enter the house, words would have been impossible for to muster.  She leads him hand in hand to the kitchen.

"Set four places tonight, sister", the woman manages to squeeze out. A slightly older, but equally beautiful woman looks up, and drops her stirring spoon and jaw.  This woman is a little shorter, but also a little curvier, and had a dark red, ember colored hair.

"Finish dinner, I'm going to clean our guest up." The woman, reaches for our hero's hand, grazing his cock along the way, and guides him out back to a small metal tub. "Go head in, mister, I'll fetch some water to wash you up with." She returns shortly with a bucket of water and a cloth. She pours the cool water over our  hero's body, then she dips the cloth in, to get it wet.  She begins to wipe him off.  His body, once drenched with sweat, was slowly being cleared away, by the beautiful woman. She begin with his broad shoulders and chest, she worked around his thick arms, and down his strong legs. She gently scrubbed circles down his stomach, and inched closer and closer down towards his ever thickening penis.

She saw that his erection was growing bigger and beefier, her breath began to grow as well, Remington knew what was coming, but the woman had to make the final move. She released the cloth, and without haste gained a firm grasp on Remington's powerful shaft. The difficult part was over, but the hard part was just beginning. She begins to stroke Remington's worthy cock, quickening in pace, and holding tighter with each stroke.  He turns his head around and kisses the woman on the neck, sucking on her as if he was a vampire preying on beautiful women.

The woman lets go of her current job, Remington turns around to witness the woman's dress falling to the ground. Remington steps out of his tub and pulls the woman close. Needless to say, Remington gives her the fucking of a lifetime.  The two head back towards the house, with a sense of satisfaction known only by those lucky enough to share a love making of that caliber. By the time of their arrival, dinner was ready. The table was fairly awkward, given the jealously between the two sisters, the younger one was pretty pissed off, because she really wanted to get fucked by Remington, not only did she see him first, but she saw his magnificent package first as well.

Remington's nudity did not help with the awkwardness either, all sisters, including a third middle sister, who again was equally beautiful to the other two sisters, but with blonde hair. Well all three sisters could not keep their eyes off of our hero's legendary dong, except for the youngest sister to glare at the oldest one. That night while everyone was asleep, the young sister wakes up our hero.  She was kneeling beside our hero, butt ass naked, already stroking his pleasure rod. He looks up to her and smiles, she smiles back and brings her willing mouth down towards Remington Jr. she places what she can of his lumber in her mouth, her tongue acts as if a spoon in a pot, mixing around the soup which is his sizable cock. Once again, needless to say, our hero gives another young lady the fucking of a life time.

The next morning, during breakfast Remington offers to stick around for a few days and help the girls fix up their abode as a thanks for their hospitality, the girls obviously take him up on this offer.  A couple of days turns into a couple of weeks, Remington is quite busy, fixing holes, filling holes, plowing fields, plowing pussy. Our hero's work is never done. One night Remington wakes up to a strange noise, and much to his surprise, there wasn't a beautiful woman preforming oral sex on him! Immediately concerned he rushed into the other room, where he witnessed the middle sister transform into a fucking werewolf! She then gobbled up the other two sisters right then and there! "Fuck!" exclaimed Remington. "Looks like this pussy well's gone dry..." Remington pulls a cigarette out of a vase and lights it with a lighter from the same vase. Remington took a good strong puff, then exhales. Remington knew what the hell he had to do. The werewolf leaped at our hero, but Remington is to swift for that shit, he ducks, turns around and grabs the beast's hind legs and fucks the werewolf.......

.... he fucks it doggy-style


p.s. I'd really love feed back on how you guys felt about this new character! Also, I personally am excited to see what Jimmy does with the series(assuming he is), being that this character was created by the two of us.
also, sorry the ending felt rushed, I might come back and adjust it just a tiny bit.

FREE WRITE 1/08/10

Hello world, how's the first week of this new year been?


The first subject I want to tackle is one that I am sure will hit close to home for most of you. Facebook Fan pages(One of which was just created for this very site!). In the beginning all was well. Having fan pages for movies, bands, books, and other various shit that has earned a fan base is all good in my book. I completely support that, I am fans of a few TV shows or something, I think. But reccently I've noticed my friends becoming fans of much more mundane things. Things like, Finding Coins in the Coin Return at the Coke Machine, Avoiding Stepping on Cracks so I don't Break my Mother's Back, The Smell of Candles that Smell like Foods from Forgien Peoples Houses, Music from like Two Years before I was Born, Days Where it Doesn't Rain, Days Where is Does Rain, Making an A on a Test I didn't Study for, Green Lights, Movies with Seth Rogen, Family Guy Reruns, When You get Fresh Frys from Burger King, Friendship, Cell phones, Going into a Public Restroom with Hilarious Grafiti, The Ants that aren't Fire Ants, When none of the Pringles Chips are Broken, Sneezing and someone saying "Bless You". It seems like every little tiny positive detail in someones life has the makings of being worth an entire page of dedication.  Call me old fashion, but this just seems ridiculous to me.  There doesn't need to be recgonition for "Warm Blankets".
When Blankets were invented I promise you the man/woman (s) ' intention was to make them warm. Its expected. Its like saying, DUDE! did you see that fuckin' Plane? its FLYING!!! Not that man has created a flying device, which is impressive. Its just not worth flipping shit over any more. Planes were ment to fly, just as blankets ment to be warm. I guess What I'm Trying to get around to is that I don't think such mediocrity diserves Fan Pages.  Nothing I'm upset about. Just thought I'd throw out my two cents. Plus this Blog seriously needs some words up here.....

BroPatrol Would love to hear your input! Comment below or find some other way to let us know!


Monday, January 4, 2010


Hello Bros and Broettes,

Shaun here to welcome you all into the new year with a Guest Post.....

So up until recently I decided to use the public restroom, I was pretty much having a good day. I had aced a test that I had not studied for, and I had completed my essay that wasn't due for another week. So around 4 pm, I couldn't hold my piss anymore. I go to the nearest restroom and proceed to a urinal. Right as I whip my huge hunk a' junk out, I see a pile of shit. SHIT. In the fucking urinal. my dick was literally less than 3 inches from touching a pile of FUCKING DOO DOO. Needless to say, this kind of ruined my day. In the immortal words of Justin Bowling, I was "infurious." From now on, I carefully scrutinize every inch of a urinal before whipping out my package to urinate. A lesson well learned.