Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Bzzzzz...That's Not a Vibrator

China has recently released a phone with a built-in electric razor, effectively showing up the Motorola RAZR, which history now deems a piece of shit that can't manscape that bitchin' face fro.

"I almost nicked myself there, you could say it was a....close call."

"My call got cut off!"

*Phone vibrating in pants*
 "Aren't you gonna get that?"
"Nah man, I'm shaving my pubes."

Yeah, they call me the...word wizard.


Sunday, December 27, 2009


Well, Howdy do gang.

Life has been incredibly average lately, besides being extra busy. This means nothing at all interesting has come to mind, since all I've thought about was stuff that I had to deal with.  School's still out, which kicks ass, holidays are rounding out.  Fuck man, I wish I had something interesting to say.  OH! some dude at my job totally pissed in a glass the other night. Full on PISSED in a glass. He didn't piss in his McDonalds cup we should have not permitted him to bring in, but into OUR FUCKING GLASS WARE. I just want to go to this douche's place and piss in all of his cups. What an ass.

Also I had a dream reccently, I was locked in a car, and it was rolling down this hill really quickly. At the bottom of the hill was the ocean, so I was like, fuck! The car starts to sink, but then I realized that it was a dream. The car disolved and I started swimming and chatting with the fish and it was fucking cool from there on out.

I guess I'll do all of you Bro's here at BroPatrol a solid and leave a list of BroNames

Bro Montana
BroJ Simpson
A-Bro-Ham Lincoln
Teddy Broosevelt
Franklin D. Broosevelt
Brosie Perez
Brosie and the Pussy Cats
Bro Chi Min
President BroBama
Brospeh Stalin

This list will be updated later


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Owl City "Concert"

This is just what I imagine an Owl City Concert would be like... a dude on his mac book


My friend Laura recently referred a show on MTV to me called The Jersey Shore. Originally upon viewing I thought it was a documentary about a bunch of mentally handicapped youth trying to find a place in society. Imagine my surprise when I found out the show is about guidos. As an Italian American this subject matter is very personal to me. Guidos. A guido as defined by urban dictionary as  "an Italian American man usually residing in New York or New Jersey. He wears shirts that are too tight and unbuttoned 5 buttons too low to show off the chest that he spent hours and hours at the gym obtaining, he spends more time on his hair than his girlfriend, and continues to "hit the clubs" long into his mid to late 30's. Often attracted to the female version of himself, the guidette."(www.urbandictionary.com). basically they are douche bags. Look if it had just stayed at that then I wouldn't really have a personal beef with them, but when they start waving the "Italian Pride" flag then its personal. AS A SPOKESPERSON FOR ITALIAN AMERICANS, WE DO NOT CLAM THEM. I am going attempt to communicate to the guidos one on one so feel free to stop reading here:

Look Guido nation, as Italian Americans we have worked really hard and constantly struggled to shed negative stereotypes over the years such as,the Godfather plague, that Mario the plumber ordeal of 84' , and we have just finished with the Sopranos outbreak of the late 20th century. Now when we are finally breaking out and earning our independence your orange AXE body sprayed chains have been shackled upon us. Please for the love of our catholic god stop before our image in society is completely shattered. Now I am a reasonable man and willing to make deals. Free hair gel and ed hardy shirts to every Guido or Guidette who denounces being Italian. I am willing to find a subtle race of your choosing as a replacement (Personally Oompa Loompa seems to be a safe bet.).


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Shrinking Nipple Syndrome: A State of Global Emergency Pt. 1

I would like to bring to your attention a growing epidemic, one that is silently sweeping through our blessed nation. It has come to my attention that over the past fifty years, the national average nipple size has gradually decreased. This phenomenon, known as vegrandis papilla morbus, or Shrinking Nipple Syndrome, if not immediately acknowledged in the medical community, may result in a drastic reduction in birth rates, among other complications.

Outside of my own research ("Nipple Gazing"), not much is known about Shrinking Nipple Syndrome (SNS). While Googling "Irritable Bowel Syndrome" or "Cancer" may result in various medical humble jumble, "Shrinking Nipple Syndrome" turns up meaningless babble pertaining to puffy nipples and nipple reduction surgery, which is most likely a media conspiracy to cover up the true crisis.

This is obviously shopped.

I have extensively chronicled thousands of sets of nipples on a timeline, and have come to this conclusion. Upon presenting my findings to a medical board which shall be unnamed, I was ridiculed, being branded a "motherfucking moron" and a "moronic faggot cunt" that should go "die in a fire." Needless to say, they were most likely being paid off by media outlets to turn a blind eye towards SNS.

Why are the media outlets spending massive amounts of resources to keep SNS on the down low?

Stay tuned as I continue my investigation. Check back soon!


Saturday, December 12, 2009

Twilight part 2

It's not coming. Get over it. I'll post something different when I come up with something to write about. I am sorry I let down all 5 of you that read this blog on the reg.


People read this thing? 5? Good lord, stop the presses!


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

State of the Site 12/8

What the hell BroPatrol? Where've you been? This blog needs a motherfuckin' update!!!

I want to apologise for the lapse in our posting while I'm on the subject. The guys here at BroPatrol are planning something, so hopefully it'll make up for the two or three weeks without reading material. Also! friends and fans, I need your help in pimping the shit outta the site. Tell your friends, co-workers,  classmates, and family if they ain't prude asses. I also want to encourage everyone to leave us some comments or messages.

 We've discussed and we want to do an advice column and to allow guest posts. We've got an email we use for the site, Jimmysamshaun@yahoo.com , but frankly I don't check it, and I'm sure noone else does either.

BUT! on the bright side, I am fairly certain that everyone that reads this knows us in real life, thus you know how to reach us other ways. When the site picks up we'll use that email.  Any other suggestions you have will be welcome. I do want to start reviewing various things, movies, video games, books, music, comic books, whatever else I hear, and would think that readers would enjoy.  This being the case, the three of us probably can't and plain won't want to review that much shit, so I'd like to get people to review certain subjects they know considerably about.

Wow, this was a boring ass post. I feel bad that this is what we're coming back with. Shit.


I updated the Twilight post to make up for the lack of any humor here.