Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Shrinking Nipple Syndrome: A State of Global Emergency Pt. 1

I would like to bring to your attention a growing epidemic, one that is silently sweeping through our blessed nation. It has come to my attention that over the past fifty years, the national average nipple size has gradually decreased. This phenomenon, known as vegrandis papilla morbus, or Shrinking Nipple Syndrome, if not immediately acknowledged in the medical community, may result in a drastic reduction in birth rates, among other complications.

Outside of my own research ("Nipple Gazing"), not much is known about Shrinking Nipple Syndrome (SNS). While Googling "Irritable Bowel Syndrome" or "Cancer" may result in various medical humble jumble, "Shrinking Nipple Syndrome" turns up meaningless babble pertaining to puffy nipples and nipple reduction surgery, which is most likely a media conspiracy to cover up the true crisis.

This is obviously shopped.

I have extensively chronicled thousands of sets of nipples on a timeline, and have come to this conclusion. Upon presenting my findings to a medical board which shall be unnamed, I was ridiculed, being branded a "motherfucking moron" and a "moronic faggot cunt" that should go "die in a fire." Needless to say, they were most likely being paid off by media outlets to turn a blind eye towards SNS.

Why are the media outlets spending massive amounts of resources to keep SNS on the down low?

Stay tuned as I continue my investigation. Check back soon!